Yes, I know it is not a happy topic: ” a relationship with a narcissist ” But unfortunately, I get too many questions about it.
Too many women fall victim. Men who manipulate use them without giving them anything in return. Those women only use to feel better about themselves. To wallow in their admiration, so that they do not have to stare their deep insecurity straight in the eye.
Fortunately, these narcissists are not as common as you might think. But this problem touches my attention.
In psychological schools, maintaining your relationship is important. You are expected not to walk away from it. If you see something wrong with your partner, you are partly responsible for it.
But in the case of the narcissist – which I will tell you more about in a moment – this is different.
Of course, it is not wrong to look at your share. But a narcissist influences you in such a way, while you feel more and more responsible.
So if a psychologist says to you that there is no point in running away from such a relationship, then I am very wrong.
There are things you should not want to expose yourself, like being in a relationship with a narcissist.
There are too many disadvantages to justify it in any way.
I will explain exactly how that works in this article.
Here I discuss the best things to do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
What do you mean by “Tom is narcissistic”?
How to avoid becoming one of his next victims?
What exactly are the characteristics of narcissists? So you can recognize how he is behaving, and does not have to go along with his behavior.
I think if you understand better why he is acting like that, you will be able to see it coming and not agree.
That way, you save yourself a lot of suffering.
My job is not to bore you with theoretical stuff, but to bring you happiness in love.
At least, I can give you advice on what I’ve seen working. Then it is up to you whether or not to do something with it. And in the case of this article, I have warned you.
He is ill. Treat him like that too.
I think every man is a little bit narcissistic. You have the man who stands in front of the mirror and admires his own body. You have the man who thinks he is amazing.
But this is not the narcissist as I am discussing in this article.
The real narcissist has a personality disorder.
Narcissism is a scale, and the narcissist with a personality disorder is at the very tip. His narcissism has completely gone out of control with him. There is little room for anything else.
So this is very different from a man who is proud of himself or who thinks himself just too good.
Fortunately, only a small portion of the population is so narcissistic that it counts as a personality disorder. It is only 1%.
For this article, I am assuming that you are dealing with a narcissist with a personality disorder.
Someone who has little empathy for the emotions of others purely because he considers himself more important.
He has an inflated sense of self-worth and self-confidence, but behind that lies a deep feeling of loneliness. He pretends to be great, and he believes it at the moment.
Especially when there are people around him,
But when the lights go out, and he is alone, he encounters a side that he does not show to the outside world. Where he has to deal with deep insecurity and vulnerability?
The snowball effect continues and continues.
The narcissist is so self-centered that there is no room for anyone other than himself in his universe. It often results in conflicts with his environment.
You can imagine that most people do not want to hang out with someone who does not consider them at all.
The narcissist knows that too. That is why he pretends to be charming until people believe him. Over the years, he has become very good at this because sooner or later, people leave him.
All in all, the narcissist does not have a pleasant life.
Plagued by insecurity, while pretending to be bigger than he is, takes its toll. It makes him emotionally unstable.
And when he faces his emotional problems, it can make him react with anger.
His anger takes the place of grief that a person would feel. But because this emotion is too threatening for him.
The price of dealing with a narcissist is high.
The price is too high if you have read the above, you may think,“ Well, it is about behavior. Anyone can change their behavior. But with a narcissist, this is a lot more complicated.
A narcissist is sick.
Of course, he can change his behavior in certain areas. But his main problem is that his excesses are so extreme that they are beyond his control. Which means he can not do enough about it.
At least, he cannot prevent it to the extent that it becomes worthwhile to keep associating with him.
You can compare him to someone who has a contagious disease.
At the same time, someone who becomes infected with the same disease through his presence can suffer from health complaints. These are less severe than those of the narcissist because they have a weaker emotional immune system.
But spending a long time with someone with an infectious disease puts more and more pressure on your immune system. And the pressure will become so high that you will become ill.
relief and no, you will not become like the narcissist
At least, not in the megalomania.
But you will develop nasty complaints. Your confidence will take a hit, your ability to share your emotions too.
All in all, you will not improve.
He carries trauma with him.
The narcissist does not just suffer from megalomania. The deep uncertainty takes its toll in the long run.
Oddly enough, narcissists have a very negative attitude.
Research has shown that they are experts in themselves and make others unhappy. You better stay away from that.
Narcissists are disproportionately representing in crime, in psychiatric institutions, and in other settings where you, like a normal person, do not want to interfere. He is cheating on other people. He is paranoid and miserable. All in all, it is better to walk around it in a large circle.
He will not change
It is good to understand how the narcissist works. That way you know what to expect. And be honest:
Is this the life you want for yourself? Do you want to live with someone so vulnerable and so aggressive at the same time? Do you want to keep exposing yourself to this?
Be aware that the main characteristic of a narcissist is that he doesn’t want to change:
Change is threatening to him.
This makes it very difficult to solve problems that arise. It makes him unable to criticize others.
Also, realize that narcissism is a personality disorder. So he will always be bothered by it.
And as long as you stay near him: you too.
You don’t want that for yourself
Of course, I understand that you fell in love with him once, and this inspired you to start a relationship with him. But just look at it this way:
If you order a nice salad from your favorite restaurant and the waiter brings something straight from the compost heap, you don’t eat it and send it back to the kitchen.
It is the same with relationships.
The price you pay to be with a narcissist is so high that I would advise you not to even get into it. He simply won’t change. He can’t and he doesn’t want to. It is impossible to change this.
Understand why you fall for him
When I hear stories of a woman meeting her narcissistic partner, I understand. At first, a narcissist seems very charming. He is friendly, asks questions, and listens well. At the same time, he is very confident.
He’s good at making a first impression. That’s because he burns so many friendships and relationships.
He is looking for new friends to suck
As a result, he is very practiced in giving off the right vibe when he meets new people. He is a master of convincing presentation in new companies.
He may appear confident at first.
Even though he may be a little over the top in naming his accomplishments, you decide to ignore it because that confidence suits him well. You think it’s a relief compared to all those other men, who are all much more insecure.
But after a while, you see the flip side of the coin
medals enormous insecurity. The way he behaves doesn’t flow with reality.
His straight face and supposedly confident smile cannot disguise the fact that it is a facade.
And he learned to build that facade. In all the years that he pretends to be different from what he is, he has become a master of it, which makes him appear stronger in the beginning.
If you’ve fallen in love with a narcissist, this is far from shameful.
Who does not like a confident man with a touch of vulnerability?
But once these traits are thrown out of proportion, you’re in trouble. And that’s exactly what’s going on with the narcissist.
Once he puts his hooks in you, he will do everything he can to take advantage of it.
If a narcissist has power over you, then hide. The whole nature of his illness is that he does whatever he likes. No matter how hard it will hurt those around them.
Sometimes a narcissist goes further than that.
Since he’s so good at winning over other people, he may decide to do it for the thrill. He can then just put you on his cart and then completely abuse it purely because he can.
Power comes with responsibility, and a narcissist clearly cannot handle that responsibility.
Do not think you can help him
Sometimes I speak to a woman who genuinely feels she can do what medical science and psychiatry cannot.
No, it is impossible to make a narcissist better. No matter how much love, patience, and knowledge you put on. It is not possible. And even if it were possible.
Do you want a good friend, or do you want a psychological job project?
And I know what you think.
“ I am in love with him, so I want to try it anyway. “
Due to the nature of their illness, a narcissist can not change. It does not matter how much time and energy you put into it. It is all for nothing, and the sooner you see that the more suffering you save yourself.
So do not think you can help him. That is not the case.
All you do is spend more time with him, which causes you to become more and more infected. And your emotional state is increasingly being tested.
Sooner or later, he will leave you
he’s leaving you what many people who are in a relationship with a narcissist forget is that sooner or later, he will break up.
It has to do with the nature of the disease.
I remember a girl who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Every two years, she replaced her group of friends, including her boyfriend, with new people. It was very consistent.
But in some cases, a narcissist takes a much shorter time to expel his friends.
He uses other people to gain admiration. Once those people are empty, then he moves on to the next. Sooner or later, he will get tired of you too.
When you’re in love, you don’t want to see that harsh truth.
You want to pretend that your relationship with the narcissist is forever, and there is nothing that can tear you two apart.
But the reality is completely different.
You are very vulnerable, whether he dumps you overtime or he cheats on you. Sooner or later, he will get tired of you, and then you will be thrown out like rubbish.
So pay attention to what you start.
Read also: 7 Sweet Ways to Save Relationship.
Take time for yourself
When you read stories of people who were in a relationship with a narcissist, one thing stands out:
The people who stayed in it the longest were very vulnerable.
They had few friends and put their partner first. Besides, they had a few other hobbies than making their partner happy. They lived for their partner, as it were.
They are somewhat naive and justify the bad sides of their partner. The last thing they do is take care of themselves and make sure they have a fun and fulfilling life outside of the relationship.
If you want a narcissist to lose their grip on you, make sure you have plenty of comparison material.
Gather friends around you who care about you. If you’ve neglected those contacts over the years, build it up again. Anyone who does not behave narcissistically and cares about you is a bonus.
It allows you to see what a narcissist does to you:
ouch that his behavior is just that.
That there are other ways of giving and receiving love than sucking all the energy out of someone.
That there are multiple options besides an oppressive relationship with someone who hides huge insecurity behind an inflated sense of self-esteem.
Once you realize that your partner is often over the line, it’s time to set boundaries.
Narcissists are known for being able to talk only about themselves. If you find this to be the case, and you have to spend hours listening to someone who can’t bring the same attention to you, cut back that time.
Calmly tell your partner that you don’t feel like listening if he gets bogged down in a lengthy monologue.
You can also restrict his other behaviors. You can set limits on what you can and cannot tolerate. The hallmark of the narcissist is that he will not adhere to it and will try to get out of it.
But by at least setting clear boundaries, you can protect yourself. The moment he crosses a line, you know what to do. You know exactly what he does and doesn’t feel about you. And that he simply can not be trusted.
Develop the other areas of your life
If you live with a narcissist, he can take more and more of your time and energy that you forget to put into other things. Maybe you quit your hobbies or certain contacts because he asked you.
The best you can do is build this up as soon as possible. Anything that you have to work for outside of your relationship will help you in this case.
Because working toward a goal outside of your relationship with your boyfriend makes you work on your confidence. You notice that there is more to life than your narcissistic partner.
Let’s say you get an education or progress in the gym. Then you have something to feel good about yourself that is separate from the whims of your partner. It is how you create comparison material with the pointless mission of making your narcissistic partner happy.
And more important:
Your self-esteem spread across your achievements. The more different fields you put energy into, the more resources you have from which to draw strength. Especially if you can use that power very hard, it is very worthwhile.
I get away from him when I get the question from a woman:
“ Gosh, I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for three years. I love him a lot, but his behavior drives me crazy too. What can I do about it? “
Then my response is:
“ Leave him. “
In this case, the advantages do not outweigh the disadvantages. You are rowing against the current. You stay with someone who has no capacity for empathy, or mutual contact. That is the core of his problem.
A problem that you cannot solve for him.
To cry, I know it sounds loud.
And I do not mean to make you feel bad.
But there is nothing you can do. That will produce enough results to make it worthwhile to stay in a relationship.
He will always hurt you. And sooner or later, he will leave you.
Narcissists leave a trail of emotional destruction.
All you can do is protect yourself.
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist? Make it out. Do you meet a charismatic man who says after the fifth date that he has a narcissistic personality disorder? Runaway and do not come back!
Prevention is better than cure.
This way, you protect something of your self-image.
If you know that sooner or later it will go wrong, then it better be because you choose it yourself. That way, you keep some control over your own life. And you are therefore assured that you are spared as much pain as possible.
Even though he tries his best to cause you as much bad luck as possible. That way, you stay strong and independent.
Read this article if you need help with this: 7 Tips to separate from a narcissist quickly & easily.
So. These were my seven tips for dealing with when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
I know it is not easy, and I realize my words were pretty harsh at times. I wanted to make sure that you understand what you are dealing with, and that you do not underestimate the situation.
It is not wrong. And I want to save you from impending doom.
Realize that there are millions of single men who are not affected by this problem. Who can love you and are open to you? Who will not hurt you and will even adore you?
You would rather have these men in your life than a narcissist, right?
Do not be afraid of new beginnings.
You may be afraid that you will never find anyone else and that all these men will magically avoid you.
I can guarantee you that this is not the case. Anyone who is in love thinks that the person he or she is with is the one. But that is simply not true.
Once you have broken up and you have dealt with the inevitable heartbreak, your heart can open up to others again.
And a nice man will automatically present himself on you.