How to save a relationship? Well,, I could start this piece by hitting your ears with all the figures of divorces and broken relationships. Your relationship is not going well. That is terrible.
In this article, I give you the tools to not lose your beloved partner. Even if you believe it is hopeless, and the relationship is actually beyond saving.
That is why you will learn:
- A positive way to turn arguments into growth, your relationship will grow stronger.
- How to deal with doubts (almost everyone does this wrong).
- The ways to start the conversation with him. If you communicate with him like that, you will be able to solve all your problems.
- And a whole lot more.
1). To save a relationship, Calm down first, then talk
You can feel your heart beating faster, your blood pressure increases, and your muscles tighten.
The tension rises, and you feel your head slowly turning red.
“How could you have done that? You understand that yourself, you idiot.”
You stand screaming and ranting and throwing things out that you do not mean.
Does this sound familiar?
Reacting with anger to your partner over and over is just as damaging to your relationship.
See, it is not surprising that you feel that angry emotion. We have evolved to respond with anger to situations that feel threatening.
If you were not concerned about anything, you would be easy prey for other people.
Anger is a tool that you can use when you are in a life-threatening situation.
Unfortunately, most people use it in all kinds of situations where it destroys social relationships.
If your partner does something you do not like, you never want to react to it with anger. The reaction is often exaggerated and also triggers an anger response in your partner because he feels attacked.
The only thing you achieve are these:
- You say something that you do not mean.
- Chances are, just going to yell back.
- No solution is being worked out.
- The problems are only getting worse
Can you remember a situation where you said horrible things to someone you love that you later regretted?
If you are like 99% of the people, you will have experienced this.
Not smart to start a conversation with your partner with anger in your pocket.
But there is another reason why you, as a woman, want to keep the peace during an argument.
Why you have an advantage over men
A scientific study shows that women have better social responses while experiencing stress compared to men.
As soon as a man is under severe stress, he becomes more self-centered and is less able to empathize with the other.
Where does this lead?
That he cannot put himself in your place when he experiences severe stress, BECAUSE you are so angry with him!
Which, of course, makes you stressed because you do not feel understood.
Fortunately, there is a solution.
It is what you want to do when you are furious. Never trade the emotion!
Make sure to calm down first to save relationship.
- Call a friend who you know will not go along with your hysteria.
- Go for a walk.
- Write down your thoughts.
Whatever you do, make sure you have a calm conversation with him.
When you start the conversation, here are a few things to keep in mind
Do not raise your voice.
By yelling, you increase the stress on your husband so that he can empathize with your situation even less.
Shouting also escalates the conflict.
Therefore, keep control over your use of voice.
Do NOT talk about your feelings about who is to blame.
There is no point in blaming someone.
Because the moment you say.
“It is because of you.”
He is on the defensive. Because nobody wants to be the bogeyman, so he will look for things that YOU have done wrong.
You better let the conversation be without explicitly blaming him.
Now he will be more likely to look at himself because he does not feel attacked.
At the same time, he does not want to hurt his loved one, which makes him more likely to look at his behavior.
Do not fall into extremes.
Suppose your friend picks you up too late once, and coincidentally it was the case last time.
Then you want to be careful with things like:
“You are ALWAYS late / you are NEVER on time.”
People sometimes want to lapse into extremes like never or always, while sometimes an incident is involved.
Because when a man hears.
‘I never feel like you are listening’
Then that never becomes literally because of him. Because he knows that this is not correct, he will not take your complaint seriously and will go against it.
Therefore, to save a relationship, focus only on the actual current incident and do not make generalizations.
2). Take a step back
The moment you notice that everything is no longer going well between you. You feel that tension.
When you are in the middle of trouble, you can not think properly.
It is not for nothing that people need “time for themselves” to be able to think.
The moment you remove yourself from the situation for a moment, you can start to see things in perspective again.
That is the trigger that makes you think to yourself every time:
“What a damn it is a lap swan!”
For example, the emphasis is always on old pain, and it is hard to start a conversation with him.
Because by being exposed to the behavior that you find annoying, you get stuck in anger.
Therefore, take a step back.
Now you do not want to say that you are breaking up but explain calmly and honestly that you need time to think.
You help your friend with this too.
I recently coached a woman who was annoyed by her boyfriend.
Whenever problems arose in the relationship, she felt like her boyfriend was dealing with this childishly.
So she told me this:
“Recently, we fought the fact that he had just planned a weekend away with friends, without even consulting me. I felt that this was far from over, but he did not want to talk about it and just went and watched an Ajax match! ”
Yes, I find this just as incomprehensible as they.
I mean, who is watching Ajax now?
But beyond that, there is a lot more going on here than just her boyfriend’s childish behavior.
Men react differently to problems than women.
Women want to talk.
If all that talking becomes too much for a man, you will often see that he will look for distraction to forget that big problem for a moment.
In this case, her boyfriend went to watch that soccer game to release his stress.
Does Ajax score? Then he feels a rush of excitement.
Are they losing a game? Then it feels like he has lost.
Either way, his mind is momentarily out of the grip of the problem.
The last thing you want to do is force a conversation with him when he is looking for that distraction.
Because if you still demand his attention, he often is not even able to give you the attention you deserve, which is difficult for you to accept.
Therefore, give him time to turn to himself so that he can think carefully about what he has done.
3). Break the cycle
I well remember getting new neighbors once. They had small children, and they asked if we could hear when they were crying.
Supposedly for the children.
But after a few months, we knew better.
We never heard the children, but their parents screamed.
It went according to a set pattern. Around 11 p.m., you could set your clock to it, a hurricane of verbal violence erupted at our innocent neighbors.
Their quarrels formed a pattern.
The start of the fight could be anything.
If he got home late from work or if he thought she was whining.
But then she finished a standard script, where it always ended with two ‘adults’ who could beat each other’s brains.
He used to rattle off the same things he found annoying about her, and she then responded by listing all the things she found annoying about him for the thousandth time.
Often there is a pattern in our quarrels.
That’s why many relationships have the same kind of arguments.
Every time again.
If two people keep arguing about something, they get tired over time.
They are not from the visual circle. It keeps playing again.
You can compare it to a highway that you drive on together.
There are landmarks on the road to quarrel. You can already feel it coming.
The trick is not to drive down that path but to get off that track and take the car off-road.
Break that pattern.
It doesn’t matter that you experience problems in a relationship, but how you deal with them.
Tension is inevitable damage to the relationship is not.
Some people have auto-responses that hurt the relationship more than they bring about growth.
Think about your patterns.
We have the freedom to choose our response.
Make use of that.
“Okay, how do you break such a pattern in quarrels?”
To save relationship, Do these things even he does not expect;
- Kiss him when you argue.
- Admit that you did something wrong WITHOUT telling him what he did wrong.
- Try to immerse yourself in HIS story so that he feels that you are listening.
He will not know what is happening to him.
AND I know this can be very scary. It takes courage to break these kinds of patterns.
Because what happens when he’s off-road?
Then he is out of balance. He is, in fact, on unknown territory.
He doesn’t know how to behave then.
It can create a new conversation that will only make your relationship stronger, purely because you have broken through the ingrained pattern!
For additional tips, read my explanation about simple steps to help you chat with a man.
4). Who are you doing it for?
I sometimes get difficult questions.
For example, I received an email in my inbox of 4000+ words, in which a reader told me that she was in doubt about divorcing her husband.
They just argued, but she wanted to stay with him for the kids.
Well, what do you do as a dating coach?
Help her the best you can by showing her different options.
Let’s take a look at the choice she can make:
“Do I leave him, or do I stay with him for the children?”
There is plenty of scientific research that says divorce hurts children.
So you would think not to divorce, wouldn’t you?
If you want the best for your children, that is.
I think otherwise.
Suppose you stay with your husband, but you only do it for the children, then consider the following questions:
- What do you think is the impact of two bickering parents?
- How do children perceive love when their parents live together and show no love at all for each other?
- What does that do to their image of a relationship between two ‘lovers’?
There is also plenty of research showing that this does not benefit the children at all.
Ask yourself if you have the right motive for staying in the relationship.
Are you doing it for the kids?
Or because you think you can be happy with your partner?
Children watch what you do.
Your decision can influence the decisions they will make in the future.
And keeping the family together at your own expense is never a good idea.
Because loving yourself is the most loving thing you can do for someone else.
Just think about it, if you feel good about yourself; How much more love, patience, and energy do you have for the valuable people around you compared to when you are tired, sad, or depressed?
Whatever you choose, make sure this is a lesson for your kids to choose what they care about;
If you want to continue to save relationship with him, you must regain intimacy in the relationship.
5). Have a conversation with him
Now and then, I get the nonsense advice that haunts the internet.
For example, a customer told me during a Skype conversation. She felt unhappy about certain behaviors of her husband.
When I asked her why she had never talked to him about this, she told me the following:
“Uh, men do not like drama, do they? I am afraid I will come across as a whiner, and I do not want to lose him! I once read that it is better not to talk about negativity in the relationship because then the focus will be on that. ”
* my eyebrows now raised so high that they almost touched the ceiling.
It is not about avoiding your problems. It is about how you deal with them.
Yes, you can walk away from it, but I can tell you one thing.
Your relationship will never become deeply loving.
The relationship you want so badly.
You are constantly reminded of your annoyances because you often see your partner.
It is like buying a bed that you hate but telling yourself, if I do not talk about it, I am sure I can sleep well in it.
Good luck, you will be on the couch instead of in your bed.
So start a conversation with him!
Develop your conversational skills, and do not shy away from challenges. That is what brings growth.
Also read: guides to handle a relationship with a narcissist
6). What can you expect from your partner?
It is something I often hear.
“Why do I have to try so hard for a man and make him feel good all the time?”
Well, good question if you are someone who has a very caring attitude in life. You want all the advantages, without having to deal with the disadvantages.
He fits in the list:
“Why do I have to work for my money when my boss can just give it to me?”
“Why do I have to work out so hard to be in shape, and can’t I just eat donuts for a workout?”
The answer to all these questions?
Because all the things that are worthwhile in life do not arrive in the wind
In life, the more energy you put into life, the more you get out.
Do you want to be in shape? Then you will have to pay attention to what you eat and exercise.
Do you want to go on vacation? Then you will have to work to pay for that vacation.
Do you want a happy relationship? Then you will have to do those things that will ensure that you have a happy relationship.
None of that goes without saying.
Of course, it is not one-sided if you put energy into something, you can expect to get something in return.
Nobody keeps working for a boss who never pays you.
In the relationship, your partner will also have to do things for you. Otherwise, it is not a relationship.
The best way to get your partner to provide you all of your needs is to fulfill all of his needs first.
If he is happy and sees how much you are doing for him, he will automatically be more likely to do those same things for you in return.
Unfortunately, too many people are only concerned with themselves.
So, to save relationship, you can expect your partner to do his best for you.
BUT you can only do that if you do your best for him, Not only in your own eyes, but also his.
Make sure you read 200+ cute reasons why I love you. Maybe this would be helpful.
7). How do you deal with your ego?
Take a look at the picture on the right.
Any idea what this is?
I will tell you: this is the Burj Khalifa, the highest building in the world.
How high it is when you ask me?
Perhaps as high as our egos.
And that is a problem in many relationships.
Because of your will to win in an argument, you will always lose.
A reader recently sent me this picture:
Typically a picture that you would come across on Pinterest, making it a well-worn print right away.
And that is a shame because there is a lot of good things in this quote.
Think about it.
Imagine you are about to get into a big fight with your boyfriend.
What goes through you then?
Probably something like this:
“ What is he thinking? Does he think he is right? I will show him that I am right, and he is wrong! ”
The steam is already starting to come out of your ears, and you only focuses on one thing:
“I want to win this fight.”
Your ego sits on your shoulder like a devil, whispering in your ear that you are proud of the stake.
You have to win, another hand, you will lose. You can not let that happen.
After a terrible showdown where you treat each other as if you were enemies of the earth, the smoke slowly rises from the battlefield, and you emerge as the winner.
You won the fight and lost love.
Think about what it does to your partner.
How will it feel?
It is not about being right or winning. It is about the love you feel for each other and the relationship you have together.
There is a difference between winning in the argument and winning in the relationship.
The quarrel is just a battle. A relationship is a war.
Win the war, not the battle.
Suppose your partner loses control and starts yelling.
Very annoying, and you cook inside, so you prefer to start blinking back to him.
You are right. He should not do that.
Do you want to win the war or the battle?
If you want to win the battle, you have to shout back.
If you want to win the war, do the following:
Try to understand him.
I know that is not what your instinct tells you. It tells you to go against it.
After all, advice comes in very different to the recipient when he feels that the advisor first listened carefully to the problem.
So listen carefully to your partner before you draw your conclusions. Not only can this give you new insights, but he is much more likely to recognize his mistake.
Show that you are a team. The easiest way to do that is to show that you are trying to understand him.